Parents as ambassadors of mercy to teens
Teenage people are indeed poor, in both their understanding of themselves and the world. In some ways they are children in adult bodies, perceived by others as adults while they themselves often feel inadequate and self-conscious. Their internalized shame — born from the barrage of ads reminding them how unattractive they are; friends who slight them; pop culture which lures them through false desires; scowls of adults in authority when they do not perform well; and so many other daily reminders of what they are not — this shame can consume them unless it is balanced by unconditional love.
Parents are the people God sends as ambassadors of his mercy to teens. Often, we alone have the influence, regular contact, oversight, and long view of our teens’ lives that enables us to love them well. Only we can understand how her part in this play is (for example) a reminder of the part she didn’t get when she was ten; or that this game against this team is particularly meaningful because of the awful loss two years ago; or that the grade in this class is the first A she’s ever gotten in math; or that this dance is a real triumph because of his absolute terror of speaking to girls.
A number of studies show that the poor give more than the rich — that the ability to sympathize with others’ misfortune makes people more likely to share. There is something about the experience of shame that carves out a space in our hearts for others. Teens intuit this on a deep level: they accept their friends with all their flaws because they know their own flaws. And while not always evident — since teens can also become so self-focused — many will have a heart for those on the margins of society: members of racial or ethnic minorities; those who identify as gay or transgender; the homeless; victims of human trafficking; and so on. They are likely to draw cues from the wider cultures that shape them at school or in social media that point them toward the margins, and they will discover places in their hearts that move them out of childish egoism. And while these attempts at expressing solidarity and generosity of spirit toward others will likely lack nuance and thorough understanding, it is still important that we acknowledge and appreciate their attempts.
Here is both an opportunity and a challenge. Our vulnerable teens will lean more and more on each other and less on us, their parents. They will perceive the kind of simple acceptance that their friends provide — willingness to appreciate them as they are, rather than being reminded constantly of what they are not. In hoping to shape them into adults, our first message must be God’s first message of glad tidings to the poor: the Lord loves us wholly, perfectly, unconditionally, quite in spite of our flaws and sins. Only from that foundational message, manifested every day with acts and words of support, can we slowly build in a second message: that so generous are the Lord’s gift to us that God continues to offer them so that we might grow more and more into the very image of God.
The adulthood to which the Lord summons them is not something to be feared — it is a realization of God’s gifts, so that their ability to love becomes perfected. All of our reminders throughout the day — “clean up after yourself,” “do your homework,” “be nice to your siblings,” “put down your phone,” and so on are really variations of the single message “grow up and accept responsibility.” That can be difficult and harsh unless situated within God’s invitation to become more and more the person that the Lord has created them to be, to take on a mission that over time will be part of the kingdom God is trying to build in the world. Adulthood is the period of the full flowering of the Lord’s gifts to us.
Excerpt from The Discerning Parent: An Ignatian Guide to Raising Your Teen (slightly adapted).
